News!

A couple of shows ago I got to do a news segment. I really enjoyed it. I miss following the news as closely as I did during that show, so I have decided to try it out on a weekly basis.


TEXAS PRANGERSIDENT?

In a WorldNetDaily article Actor Chuck Norris wrote that he would be interested in becoming the president of Texas, if the state were ever to secede from the Union.
The actor claimed “thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation” adding, if states decide to secede from the union, Texas would lead the way.
He has already drawn up his plan to take on the problems plaguing America

Economy – FIST!
Healthcare – HITCHKICK, FIST!
Stem cells – TINY FIST!
Iraq – ROUNDHOUSE KICK, UPPERCUT, SIPHON, SIPHON, FIST!


SIT ON IT PONZI!

Accused Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff arrived Thursday at federal court in New York, where he is expected to plead guilty to 11 criminal counts after allegedly stealing billions of dollars from more than 4,000 victims through his investment firm. The 70-year-old defendant could face a maximum 150-year sentence if convicted, or a minimum of 20 years.

Excited about having a financial expert join him in prison, Inmate 734627 stated, “I’m going to rape him.”
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REALLY? EVEN NOW?

More than 74,000 homes were lost to bank repossessions during February, up from 67,000 in January. These results confounded expectations: A downtrend had been expected due to the numerous foreclosure moratoriums in effect during the month. Said RealtyTrac spokesman Rick Sharga, "The moratoriums were led by big players like Fannie and Freddie and all the major banks… The fact that foreclosures still went up was a shock."

Adding, “Did I say shock? I meant given.”

INFALLIBLE.COM

The Pope has admitted making mistakes over the lifting of the excommunication of Holocaust-denying Bishop Richard Williamson. The church said Benedict was not aware of Williamson's views on the Holocaust when the excommunication was lifted even though it was widely available on the Internet.

Due to this scandal you must now trust the Pope less than this.

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BALANCED BREAKFAST

After a photograph surfaced of the Olympic gold medalist, Michael Phelps, using a bong, Kellogg's ended his endorsement deal. General Mills quickly swept up Phelps and his picture is due to appear on boxes of their cereal.
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What? Were you expecting this?

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Fuck that! He's won 14 golds in 2 olympics. That's more than you, you judgemental bastard. Let the man smoke.


RUN FOREST, RUN!

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have broken up.
The mutual split happened "a few weeks ago," according to a source close to the couple, but it's unclear what precipitated it… other than the “4 months past losing on election day” escape clause in his contract.

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ABUSED KIDS'CHOICE

Although Chris Brown is charged with assaulting his girlfriend, Rihanna, cable network, Nickelodeon refused to take his name out of the running for a Kids’ Choice Award. Only after he bowed out did the children’s programming channel agree to the decision. One Nickelodeon exec stated,
“, the
of the award was on a dare, a actually, but things are getting . Hey, we can’t all be . I guess
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That's the news this week, Goodbye and Fuck You.

Cold Liberal Texas

Can you believe this weather? It dropped 50 some odd degrees yesterday. Almost got the frostbite on my fingertips last night. I am not going to leave the house for any reason other than WATCHMEN! What What!?

I'm excited to see this movie, any movie really. I watch most of my movies in my basement long after everyone else. Same thing with cable TV. I am always at least one season behind. I just started The Wire. It's coming on Netflix, but I have a theory that all Mpls Blockbuster Season 1 Disc 3s are sitting in the apartment of a dead man who will not be found until the spring thaw. He was killed by D.

Is anyone else annoyed that Obama is getting bashed for getting shit done in office? It's like America got so used to a president messing up everything he touched that we don't want anybody to do anything. Is it possible that freeing up stem cell research, rehabbing health care, and investing in the education system might just be part of some long term vision so that maybe we can have healthy, intelligent people populate our country in the future?

The only reason they're mad is because it's not what they want. A lot of people didn't want to roll back our civil rights, or invade an uninvolved country, or tank our economy. Shut the fuck up and take it. You got four years until you have another say.

Speaking of my liberal slant, I spent the weekend in Texas. Alicia and I flew down to help her mother's side celebrate her grandfather's 80th birthday. Texas was great as was Alicia's family. Everyone gave me a real warm welcome. That was my first time meeting the whole family. I come from a large Irish family on my mother's side and have had girlfriends over for dinner when everyone was there/ seen my sisters and cousins bring people over. This was my first time on the other side of that. That shit is overwhelming.

We got to see some Texas sports while we were there ie. a 7 yr old girls soccer game. That was great. Alicia's cousin scored a goal. The parents along the sideline were the real attraction. That sugary sweet southern accent wondering if/hoping the Mexican girl is hurt so her daughter can play is all the show I could hope for.

We went to see some improv in Ft. Worth. A troupe called Four Day Weekend. A couple of the guys trained at Second City. They were good. A nice blend of short form with some longer character pieces all with a strong Ft. Worth bend to 'em. David Wilk did a cool improvised rendition of COPS which I guess films in FW a lot. A guy in the backseat had a small handheld camera on night vision and that image was wired into a large drop screen and then he pulled an audience member to ride shotgun.

The same guy played a kid in a Romo jersey looking for a Big Brother of America (audience member) to fill the void of an absent father then throws the pigskin around throughout an interview. In both of those scenes the interviews of the audience member were amazing. In the first, the lady was there with her husband's boss (wierd) and she didn't know what her husband did for a living (what?) but he worked for Siemen's (c'mon!). And the second guy left a CFO position with Ping Golf to become a bracelet-winning poker champion. Are you kidding me? The whole show could've been picking that guys brain.

Here are some differences between Dallas and Minneapolis.

Down There - - - - - Up Here
Warm - - - - - - - - Cold
Golf in March- - - - No golf in March
Conservative - - - - Liberal
Loud opinions- - - - Quiet whining
Aggressive driving - You know how you drive


Anyway, it's good to be back. I've heard tales of the amazing job that Chris Campo did as my understudy and I want to say Thanks Chris! I hear Cock Blocko will never be the same.

Speaking of that, I should review my lines.

Hobby

This is what I've been doing instead of exercise, blogging.

This is actually my third blog of the day.
The first was a list of why I wasn't jogging, and then a list of why I should be.
The second was a comment on how depressed I became while making those lists.
Then I fucked with my blog layout for a while, and now I'm writing this.

I am a master at procrastination. If it wasn't so easy to do, I would charge people for lessons, but it is not a skill. Maybe someday we will make contact with a type A alien race and they will have need for my special abilities. Until then, I will not be doing what I should be doing, which is building a large satellite dish to find these uptight aliens.

Fuck it. I'm going for a walk and then I'm gonna do some other kinds of exercise just to punish myself for being lazy. Exercise is a punishment not an an activity. Why don't I have the exercise gene?

I recently heard someone reply to the question, "What are your hobbies?" with "working out." Is working out a hobby? I guess it is. But if working out classifies as a hobby then so does watching TV and both of those hobbies make you equally boring. Unless you watch awesome stuff that makes you more intelligent, or do awesome stuff that people will be interested to hear about.

If it's, "I blasted my quads at the gym..." or, "On this one episode of Still Standing..." then you suck. Your hobby sucks.

Fuck me, my hobbies suck.

March, march, march

March is here. Can you feel it? I can. I have spent 800% more time this week outside than over the last month and a half. I plan on going for a hike this afternoon with my dogs who can also feel spring coming. They smile more and they stopped telling me to kill.

This was a long winter for ol' Josh "Tubb" E. I'm not one of those people with body image issues. In fact, I would say that a healthy dose of feeling unattractive might do me some good. But numbers don't lie and I am tipping the scales to the tune of 205. Now, I run heavy anyway. At my most emaciated I am 170. No one wants to see that. That was after 3 months of living in the wilderness. I look unsteady due to my enormous head. But I do tend to find my clothes fit and I feel fit around 180. That's the goal.

Maybe if I write down the annual (sometimes bi-annual) weight drop, it will give doctors some insight as to why I died so early. I should probably add in the weight gain too, but that won't happen until next November. November is a bear. Halloween candy, birthday cake, Thanksgiving feast, Christmas cookies. This year was extra special because January was full of travel which is bad for my eating habits. Plus the negative degree weather kept me pretty much immobile.

Healthy sounds like a nice alternative right now, maybe it's the sunlight, maybe it's the fact that my pants are trying to cut me in half.

See the big me in a diaper before I slim down in How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan: Sleepless In Shakopee

Also, come see Chris Campo play my parts this weekend. He's gonna be great!

Also 6 Ring Circus: 7:30pm and 9pm Tuesdays at the BNW

Oh yeah, finally watching Ken Burns' The War. It is so good. I know I'm like the last guy to watch it but if you haven't yet, rent it.

And there's a new Futurama movie out. I think this one sets up the rumored theater release movie. Yay!

Well since the new show, How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan: Sleepless In Shakopee opened we've received some nice reviews.

Here

Here

And here

They all liked it, yay!

This show is a lot of fun to do. I have a couple of really fun scenes and a lot of costume changes and props. As Mike said, it's like everyone else is in a Brave New Workshop show and I'm in a Carol Burnett show. I have 3 awesome toys I get to play with, one instrument, 2 wigs used in 4 scenes, 2 pairs of glasses, 2 beverages, 1 shirt, 1 house coat, 1 diaper, 1 set of wings, and some other stuff too. Before opening I had a full cowboy costume and a puppet but those got cut.

Last night I had the pleasure of doing improv with Joe Bozic for 50+ Boy Scouts ages 5-10. Oh man are they a great audience. It was like the Bozo Show. They were losing their minds. We'd ask for a suggestion and they would scream for as long and as loud as they needed to be heard. Luckily the Boy Scouts have a signal for shut the fuck up: the peace sign. That worked pretty well.

Couple of things I saw last night:

~A tall kid wearing mom-style khakis that nearly covered his chest but left his shins exposed. Poor kid, I'm sure he has no idea what the hell is happening to his legs. And I'm sure his mom bought those pants last week and they fit perfect.

~Another tall kid wearing mom-style jeans with the cuffs shoved into moon boots. I can sympathize with that kid, tho I'm still not as tall as him.

~Two kids practicing high fives while spinning and accidentally knocking the water out of a dad's hands as he protected his groin. This reminded me of my father as an incident like that would have poisoned him against that kid and his parents for at least a month.

~The same hi-5 kids practicing next to a third boy who, when his hi-5 went unnoticed, hi-5ed himself... twice.

~Also, a brutal nut shot.

I learned some interesting things about the scouts too. They are almost 100 years old in America. Kids started it based on a book, but the author organized when he got back from Africa.

I was a failure as a Boy Scout, but was a kick ass Indian Guide. It's always seemed cooler to me. Plus, you go camping with your dad which is what all kids want to do. Hanging out with Johnny Scout Leader isn't as fun, no matter what you learn. Plus there's the whole creepy, anti-gay, but still molesty thing going on.

Here is a "tribal chant" my dad and I came up with one night after we had a fire.

Embers, embers
Red hot coals
We are a tribe
Of the Seminoles

SHOW OPENS!

Well, the new show opens tonight. This is the end of a very hectic two months. This blog, for example, hasn't been blogged on for a month and that was bullet points which only reinforces how busy I was. After this weekend I am going to take in a deep breath and relax through next week.

I am going to have the house to myself for the whole week. So much pizza and Icecream and movies and gigantic sodas and malts oh my god the malts. I'll see you all on the other side of a coronary.

Seriously though, I need to fight the urge to do that - my pants aren't comfortable. I must aspire to baggy jeans? No. Relaxed fit. I feel like I haven't left the house in nearly three months. Another crazy winter kept me indoors.

Last winter it snowed big beautiful snow in December and then instantly froze into ice and never snowed again until late February. This winter we've gotten low snow totals, and it stayed below zero for like three weeks straight. Bogus. I like a winter I can play in.

Anyway, come and see this show! It's great. I'm very proud of it. Booya!
Here's a link for tickets How To Make Love Like A Minnesotan Or Sleepless In Shakopee!

Quick view

Who's got time to blog anymore.

Bullet Point Holidays

- 29 shows in 27 days
- Friends in/out
- Alicia's family in/out
- More friends in/out
- Alicia in Hawaii
- My family in/out
- Write the new show
- Me in California
- Figure out sketcfest
- Write the new show
- Figure out sketchfest
- Write new show.

All of it good.

Back to work.